“How to be you?”, a question that boggled my mind for a very long time. Most of us would have heard the phrase “Just be yourself” one way or another, either when our best friend tried to motivate us to be more confident or when our mentor gave us tips before a crucial interview. But what does ‘being you’ mean and how do we do it?

People often advice us to be ourselves, without mentioning what it means and how to do it. I too was at the receiving end of this phrase and wanted to decipher the real meaning of it.

After spending a lot of quality time with myself, I finally understood the meaning of this. ‘Being you’ is nothing but treating yourself as a brand with a unique identity and sticking to it. You frame the fundamental principles and objectives of your ‘brand’. You can highlight features that set you apart from the rest of the crowd. Through my personal experience, I found that there were certain things that I could put more time into to establish my true self.

In order to be you, here are a few things that you can start working on.

Disclaimer: This list is not in a step-by-step order. The goal here is to try the pointers listed below.

1. Define your boundaries

Have you noticed the white circle drawn on the cricket ground? It is called the boundary line and helps to define sixers and fours. Defining boundaries is the act of establishing what is acceptable and what is not. Just like the boundary in the game of cricket, we must also define our boundaries. You can do this by specifying what kind of behavior you can tolerate and what you cannot.

Why is marking boundaries important ?

It is very important to mark your boundaries. This will help people understand you better and also eliminate the possibilities of people treating you in an unacceptable manner.

For example, let us assume that you find it annoying when your friend takes more than 2 days to reply to a text message. To mark the boundary here, you can subtly let them know that this behavior bothers you. You don’t have to be harsh or rude. Just send them a text saying “Hey, it really bothers me when you take too long to reply. I understand that you are busy. But I would appreciate it if you informed me of your schedule and promised to get back to me. This behavior of yours makes me feel unimportant.” Therefore, you have let the person know that this behavior is not acceptable by you.

2. Identify your strengths and weaknesses

This is an obvious pointer but an important one. The only time most of us put in some effort to identify our strengths and weaknesses is when we want to answer that obvious job interview question. If you want to embrace your true self, you must be aware of your strengths and weaknesses.

What does this have to do with being you?

Consider yourself to be a kingdom. Your strengths are like the soldiers you place to defend the kingdom. They are something that you are very secure and confident about. It can be an ability to boldly address a large audience or finishing tasks before the deadline. Just like an army being a reflection of a country’s stability, your strengths are a reflection of who you are. They are your assets, a medal you can proudly wear. On the other hand, your weaknesses are like the royal family members. They are very important, but they need to be defended from the outside world. Your weakness is something you are very insecure about. Maybe it’s something that you are not really good at or sensitive about, like having a hard time saying ‘no’ or controlling your anger.

Even though the royal family needs to be defended, they are still trained to fight like a soldier. Similarly, you can always train your weaknesses to be your strengths.

What to do if you cannot identify them?

If you are finding it hard to determine your list of strengths and weaknesses, you could always ask your close friends and family to list them out for you. Start working on the list shared by them and ask them to monitor you. Put in more efforts to work on your weaknesses, if any. This will also help you get a picture of how other people perceive you and will guide you further to be you.

3. Flaunt your flaws

I remember when I was a 14-year old insecure tomboy with short hair, glasses and braces. One fine day, I found my dad’s ink pen laying around. While playing around with it, I accidently spilled a drop of ink on my shirt. Scared of being yelled at by my mother, I ran to the bathroom and put water on the ink stain. I watched it with anticipation, hoping it would fade away. But to my surprise, the ink started to spread and made the stain bigger. I freaked out and started thinking of ways to hide the stain. I then found a piece of chalk and like any smart 14-year old, I tried to cover the ink stain on my white shirt with chalk. Once I was done, I bravely walked into the kitchen hoping that my mom would not acknowledge my work of art. I was wrong.

How I flaunted my flaws

My mother immediately took me aside and said “The more you try to hide something from others, the more obvious it becomes”. That is when I realized. Had I just left it at an ink drop, it would have not been noticeable. But my attempts to hide the stain made it more obvious.

From then on, instead of having my mouth closed at all times because of my braces, I started smiling more. To my surprise, people’s attention went towards the smile and not the fact that I wore braces. My classmates had assumed that I was a moody person because I never used to smile earlier and now their opinions had changed. Slowly, everybody started striking conversations with me just because I started flaunting what I assumed was a ‘flaw’. My braces had made my smile different from the smiles of those not wearing them. It made me appear as a secure, bold and confident person.

How does this help to be you?

Every person is flawed in their own way. That is a fact that most people choose not to accept. The word ‘flaw’ is always associated with something negative. But the truth is, a flaw is a mere distinguisher. Your flaws are what make you different from other people. You can decide what you want to do with it. Your flaws are flaws only if you think of them that way. Whether it is a physical flaw or not, you can still accept it as a part of you and own it. Just list out every single flaw you think you have and start treating them like your assets. You will slowly begin to see the magic happen.

4. Understand your likes and dislikes to be you

To understand yourself better, you must first understand your likes and dislikes. This is not as easy as it sounds, because they constantly keep changing. People go through different experiences each day and each of these experiences helps them understand what they like and don’t like. It is highly crucial to know your likes and dislikes because they are the parameters that define the real you.

Sometimes, we humans stereotype our brains into thinking that we like/dislike something without even trying it. Maybe, you saw a video of a bunch of teenagers doing Zumba online and thought it would be something you’d like, only to realize later that it is not your workout routine. This goes to show that your likes and dislikes can easily be influenced. They can be based on the idea or the experience it offers and not based on whether you enjoy doing it. To understand yourself better, write down a list of the things that come to your mind and categorize them into likes and dislikes. Try EVERYTHING on that list. You will realize that you actually like some of your ‘dislikes’ and dislike some of your ‘likes’. If not, then try again after a year.

What is the purpose of knowing them?

With each experience, you will get a better understanding of what your likes and dislikes are. Whether it is a new school, job, relationship or any other form of experience, each of them will teach you more about yourself and your preferences. Allow yourself to have different experiences. The more experiences you have, the more time you spend with yourself. The more time you spend with yourself, the more you can reveal about yourself.

5. Please no one but yourself

If you don’t have a list of people who dislike you or disagree with you, you are doing something wrong. In a world filled with over 7 billion people, it is impossible to be a person who is accepted by all. The society is divided by views and opinions and you cannot have an opinion that everybody agrees with. It is OKAY for people to dislike you. So, my advice to you here is “Stop trying to be accepted”.

Growing up, my biggest weakness was my disability to say “NO”. A small word with two letters and yet, I struggled so much. The reason why I bring this up is because, this eventually led me to do things that I was not very excited about. I used to sacrifice my study hours and playtime to hangout with people and also wrote assignments for my friends because I assumed that they would hate me if I said no to them. Therefore, I was only focused on trying to please everybody that I forgot to please myself. Busy being somebody else, I never made any time for myself.

Why you must choose yourself first to be you?

By putting in massive effort into pleasing everybody around us, we tend to lose our original selves. Instead of doing what makes other people happy, do what makes you happy. Sure, it is nice to do certain things for your loved ones out of concern. But, this shouldn’t become a long-term behavior. Start being honest with yourself and those around you. Start speaking your mind out and tell people how you feel. Stop trying to please them. You might find some people drifting away from you once you start doing this and THAT’S OKAY. Don’t try to be fake in hopes of getting them back. Instead, appreciate the ones who are still with you. Because, they are the ones who stayed behind even after they knew the real you. 

6. Let go of toxic people

Some people have certain food allergies. It is not that these foods are bad or poisonous in general. It is just that they don’t go well with their immune systems. Toxic people are just like that. No, they are not bad people. They are people who are good in general but are not good for us. Like I mentioned in the previous point, they are the ones who slowly move away from you once they learn more about the real you.

Of course, saying “Let go of toxic people” is like stating the obvious. But, it is not that easy. Because, the kind of relationship we had with them plays a significant role. Sure, you were not completely yourself when you were with them. But, you still loved them and you held on to them. Let me tell you from my personal experience that this is not healthy.

One of my favorite quotes that I have seen on almost every inspirational/motivational page on Instagram is “It is better to be alone than with the wrong people”. This quote accurately describes my point here. You must learn to surround yourself with positive people who appreciate the real you. It is easy to find these people because, they are the ones who stick with you while you go through the ‘discovering yourself’ process. And, if you are having a hard time trying to let go of the rest, just ask yourself this question. “Are you going to choose the relationship with this toxic person or are you going to choose to be unapologetically yourself?”.

7. Do what you love to be YOU

Imagine yourself at home during vacation with no visitors coming home that day. You are in your comfy clothes, listening to some music being happy and carefree. Feels great to even think about it right? That is what comfort zone feels like. Comfort zone simply means to create an environment that you enjoy being in. You can do this by just doing what you love. There should be no excuses for not doing this. Maybe, you are not in a position to pursue a career that aligns with your interests. But you can still make time to do what you love to keep in touch with your true self.

People are naturally themselves when they are in their element, i.e, doing what they love doing. Some love to cook, some love to sing, some love to dance and some like to write. When people are doing what they love, they are confident and happy. They are not nervous or worried about doing it right. They just do it because it makes them feel comfortable and joyful. Whether it is your job or a hobby or something you make time for, you begin to exude your personality when you love doing it. That is when you are the best version of yourself.  

8. Communicate the ‘terms and conditions’ to define yourself to others

          If you have completed the points mentioned above, then congratulations! You have successfully begun your journey of discovering yourself. Like I mentioned earlier, you should treat yourself like a brand. The points mentioned above helped you to design and outline the brand, which is you. The next step is association. When a brand starts associating with other people, it designs a list of ‘terms and conditions’ and asks the them if they agree with it.

Is it necessary to communicate them?

When these terms and conditions are communicated well, the people willing to associate get a better understanding of what the brand has to offer. Just like a brand, you too must communicate your terms and conditions. No, I am not asking you to carry an agreement around like Sheldon Cooper. You must be upfront about your boundaries, your likes and dislikes, your strengths and weaknesses. This will help the people associated with you, be it friends or family, understand you better and treat you in the way you want to be treated. This is the most important step of being you and takes time.

Don’t go overboard with this step. Have these terms listed out and give out each pointer as the bond progresses. This should be a natural process. You don’t want to sound dominating by listing them all out on your first meeting. Be subtle, but make it known to the other person when needed [ Refer to the example used in (1) ]

These are some of the tips that I tried to understand myself better and helped me be me. Do let me know if it worked for you or if I left out any pointers. Just remember, you are your own best friend and your biggest priority and so it is a must to know who you are. In the end, life is too short to be somebody who is not you. Embrace your true self and practice self-acceptance. And also, don’t forget to love yourself!