One of the most challenging experiences that people face is dealing with the physical loss of a loved one. Especially, when it is a family member or a close friend that you spent a lot of time with. The biggest hurdle in this experience is coming to terms with the fact that you will never be able to see them again. If you are currently going through this pain, I am extremely sorry for your loss. I hope that you stay strong and hustle hard to make them proud. I know that my words cannot bring the person back, but I do hope that my words help you in healing yourself from this pain.

Dealing with the loss of a loved one can be hard, but here are a few things you can do to deal with the pain

The process of dealing with the loss of a loved one begins within oneself. No matter how many people around you give you support, love and guidance, you can get back up only if YOU choose to do so. To heal from the pain, you must first deal with the pain. You must give yourself some time to grieve the loss, but also remember that they would want you to be happy. Hence, you must force yourself to recover and take control of your life.

1. Keep yourself occupied

When was the last time you had a happy thought while sitting idle and doing nothing productive? Probably, never. If you have come across the phrase “An idle mind is a devil’s workshop”, you know exactly what I am talking about. Keeping yourself occupied is essential at all times. Especially, when you are going through such a tough time.

When you are completely focused on a particular task, your mind has no room to think about anything else. Yes, you will still grieve for that person and remember them. But, by keeping yourself occupied, you will not let that emotion get in the way of being productive.

How to distract yourself from the loss of a loved one?

Losing somebody is very hard. But it takes effort to bring your life back together. Start by planning out your day in advance. Make sure that it is fully packed with only some room for leisure, like watching TV or napping for a while. If you do not have anything serious going on in your life, join a class of your interest. This is a great way to meet new people and keep yourself distracted from the loss. Else, take up a free course online to enhance a skill or try out a fun hobby. If all things fail, just start cleaning your room and wardrobe. It can have such a calming effect and is oddly satisfying.

2. Write about the memories you had together

As time progresses, your memory of your loved ones will start to fade away like a dream. You will slowly forget what they sounded like or how they smelled. Only the good memories you had with them will be retained in your brain and will auto-play inside your head like a montage video. As a part of keeping yourself occupied [Refer previous point], start writing about the memories you had with them. It can be about anything, from fights to hugs. Write about how those memories made you feel and what they taught you. If they had a signature dialogue or a piece of advice they often told you, write that down too.

Why this is important?

Like I mentioned in another blog, every experience teaches you something about yourself. Every time you hang out with somebody, you experience the bond you have with that person. But, when a person is no longer around, you do not get an opportunity to experience the bond. Your relationship with the person you lost is determined by how much you value what they taught. By writing about the memories you had with them, you will always remember the experiences you shared with them and hold on to what they taught you. On days when you miss them, you can read through these memories and go on with life with their teachings.

3. Organize your thoughts

Grieving for the loss of a loved one can be overwhelming. A wave of emotions will drag you down with questions like “Why them? How did this happen?”. Your brain will be filled with what-if scenarios. Yes, we are all aware of the fact that life is not eternal. Yet, we are never prepared for it. During these moments, it is better to have your questions left unanswered. Sometimes, the answers to these questions will only make you feel worse and never the opposite. You don’t have to know it all. Because, life is unpredictable and you won’t know for sure if the alternate scenarios in your head would have had a happy ending.

How to organize your thoughts?

Your thoughts about your loved ones are triggered, usually by a picture or an article that they owned. If you start your day with the thought of them, it can affect your mood and therefore, your entire day. For instance, if you have their picture as your wallpaper and the first thing you see when you wake up is your phone, it can trigger your memory and thoughts of them will begin to flow. It is always better to start your day on a good note to be productive. Make a to-do list the previous day and make sure that it is the first thing you see in the morning. Your thoughts will automatically focus on the things you have to do in the present and not the past.

Have a time slot, preferably at the end of the day when you can sit by yourself with your thoughts of them. You would have finished everything you needed to do for that day and so you can be at peace and nothing else is bothering you at that time. Turn off your mobile devices and sit alone. Cry, scream or meditate. Do whatever you feel like. When you come out of the room, your heart and head will feel lighter. Go straight to bed and wake up the next day to do the same. Over time, you will find that you can grieve while being productive and this will slowly help you get a grip over your emotions.

4. Understand that different people grieve differently for their loved ones

Every person is different in their own way. Some people cry, some people don’t. That is how the universe is built to be stable and balanced. In the lines of Newton, “For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction”. If you are somebody who is not known for shedding tears, that’s okay. Do not think that there is something wrong with you. It is just that your way of grieving is different.

It is expected of people to cry when they lose their loved ones. Apparently, a genius invented this stereotyped formula which states that the number of tears shed is directly proportional to how much they love the person. For some reason, this is mostly expected of women because “men should not show emotions”. Grieving is a complicated process and each person has their own way of doing it. It should not be gender-specific either. It is okay if a woman does not cry and a man does when they lose their dear ones. A person’s feelings should not be judged by how they exhibit it. Someone smiling can be sad and someone crying can be faking it. Unless you get to the depths of their heart and mind, you will never know how they truly feel. #GrieveItYourWay

5. Allow yourself to be happy

During rough times like these, people feel guilty to be happy. It is important to remember that being happy does not mean that you have forgotten the person nor does it mean you have stopped grieving. Start doing things that you enjoy. Make time to pamper yourself. Don’t let yourself fall into the guilt trap. Keep telling yourself “They’d want me to be happy”, because they would want you to be. Get out of your house and start exploring.

At times, even if you take the decision to do something that makes you happy, you are still worried about what others would think of you. You begin to picture people telling you things like “Wow! You moved on so quickly”. If you can relate to this, let me ask you a question. When will it be okay for you to be happy? Who decides the time frame? You can be happy and still carry the memory of your loved ones. At some point in your life, you have to allow yourself to be happy. Time is too precious for you to waste. Might as well start early, right?

6. Visit any home of your choice

This is something that you should do on a regular basis if you have the time. It can be an orphanage, an old age home or an animal shelter. This routine can also be a part of your ‘keeping yourself occupied’ list. Once you visit a home, your view on life will never be the same again. You will be filled with so much hope when you leave the place. The kids with beautiful smiles playing around, will give you hope. The old folks still loving their children despite it all, will give you hope. Seeing an animal being adopted will give you hope.

When you start doing this, you will slowly begin to feel good about yourself. You will be motivated to perform more good deeds. You will also put more faith and hope in yourself and in others, enabling you to lead a better life. 

7. Hang out with a ‘Third Circle’, away from your loved one

When you lose somebody you loved with all your heart, you feel the need to surround yourself with people who were also close to this person. This need is usually because of the belief that only they can understand the intensity of the pain that you are going through. While spending time with them, you proceed to talk about the past memories and eventually break down. Your emotions will then trigger the person next to you and so on. This will continue until nobody in the room is stable enough to comfort the rest.

What is a third circle? How does it help?

A ‘third circle’ in this context is a group of people who are not directly associated with the person you lost. This is the squad that you can vent your feelings out to, without having to worry about them having an emotional breakdown. You can look at spending time with this squad as a getaway from the harsh reality that you are going through. You can either take a road trip with them, plan a simple sleepover with them or watch comedy shows or movies together. Try to have conversations that are funny and have a positive vibe. By doing these tasks, you make it easier for the third circle to cheer you up.

Pain can be subjective. It takes effort and strength to deal with it emotionally. The process can be brutal and tiring but not impossible. I hope these pointers help you with letting go of the trauma and healing with the pain. Do comment below and let me know if you have more tips on dealing with the loss of a loved one.